Doubt

Dreaming.

Of what I couldn't say.

Such bliss and peacefulness I watch,

But now I simply lie awake.

Just wanting to feel wanted

It doesn’t feel like I am at all

Tears forming in the liquid abyss

Make my eyelids want to fall.

But it’s like they are held open

Like a child tugging on their parents longing for attention

Feeling loved and cherished moments earlier

But the slightest loneliness sinks me into a depression.

My mind is telling me

Just get a good sleep

But these negative nightmarish thoughts weighing down on me

Take this hole and make it deep.

When I try to crawl out

They pull me back down

And when the arcs of my mouth try to perk up

It’s like the weight of failure is pulling them to a frown.

So I say why try

Because if I do and I fail it hurts even worse than before

I hit the bottom on these wooden planks as they break

And I continue to fall more.

It’s like a chore

And I work and i work to try and ascend

Should I get back up

Well I guess that all depends.

Go through pain and suffering

Questioning the final pieces

Like finishing a conclusion

When you haven’t written a thesis.

Question marks

And my concerns are they even worth to mention

My mind feeling like a prison cell

As I’m awaiting my sentence.

My charges, overthinking

Guilty of that, maybe so

Things moving underneath are my roots

And even in turmoil I still grow.

Does it still hurt, of course

Because I still don't have the solution

Do I see a light at the end of the tunnel

Or is it another illusion?

Thinking of these thoughts

Will they come through

If they do or if they don’t

One thing remains true.

I’m a fighter to the end

Throwing my best punches

And while my head is hung low

That will turn to hunches.

Hunches turn to standing

And standing turns to success

Though I am not there yet

I’ll still give it my best.

And I’m improving even now

Though I’m still not quite right

But as my eyelids finally fall

I can close shop for the night.